TheRetroCritic

Yes, The Dark Knight Rises sure comes with its share of rumors. From day one we've had every villain under the sun suspected to appear, we've had every character suspected to be more than who they claim to be, we've had unfounded plot-points thrown out there, you name it: it's been rumored. But now, as the film's release draws nearer (f***in' finally!), I thought I'd take a look back at those rumors I particularly recall hearing about over the past couple of years. I'll start with the unlikeliest and make my way to those possible spoilerrific ones! 10 JOHNNY DEPP IS THE RIDDLER?! Come on, you remember that one. REALLY early on. I totally believed that shit for a while! In retrospect though, I should have known better. When has Christopher Nolan ever gone for what's obvious and popular rather than what's actually more sensible and serious? Maybe if Tim Burton was still directing Batman movies that casting choice would have made sens

As good as it is to see Hammer back in town, so far their movie choices haven't exactly been mind-blowing. The Woman In Black , if the play was anything to go by, seemed like a promising vehicle though. With its moody, dated look, an effective ghost story at its heart and more than just some woman wearing a silly mask (see the play) to scare the bejeesus out of us. Daniel Radcliffe is our protagonist and heads to the rather unpleasant, reportedly haunted, house in the middle of nowhere. There's also a small town nearby with a bunch of dodgy inhabitants all hiding some sort of big secret which might have something to do with several kids randomly committing suicide around the village. Yes it's pretty standard and very predictable but it's also very Hammer so there was a lot of schlock potential there! These guys practically invented this nonsense, surely this should be a walk in the park for them. Well, yes and no. There is a sense throughout The Woman In Black

Um... why didn't I purchase this again? Clearly THE best object I've held this year.

Top 10 Biggest Black Swan Lols from TheRetroCritic on Vimeo .

There was something pretty irresistible about the first Kung Fu Panda film. Seemingly a dull, same-old same-old kiddie animation, it was actually genuinely engaging, very appealing visually and quite clever in its admittedly familiar approach to storytelling. Its take on Kung Fu movie cliches wasn't exactly new but the film still felt fresh regardless and, more importantly, was a lot of fun. A sequel was therefore inevitable and for this one we have pretty much more of the same but obviously with bigger stakes and more action scenes...and a third dimension. So how does it fare? Strangely not quite as well. Not that Kung Fu Panda 2 is poor in any way but somehow a lot is lost in this one's bigger scale. The heart of the story, Po's relationship with his dad and his search for his origins, is still very effective but the loud, in-your-face action sequences downplay a story which, in itself, was solid and powerful enough without being peppered with whizz-bang nonsense.

Jack Sparrow returns in this new Pirates of the Caribbean spin-off which finally discards of Keira Knightley and Mr Bloom to focus on Depp's very own adventure on the search for the Fountain of Youth. Director Gore Verbinski is replaced by Rob Marshall so this looked set to be a very different movie indeed. Well, different in an...exactly the same sort of way... To be fair you've got new faces: Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane, some mermaid, some priest... But even they feel familiar. The priest/mermaid lovey-dovey stuff is pure Keira/Orlando nonsense, McShane's Black Beard stands in for Bill Nighy's Davy Jones and Cruz is a 3 dimensional version of a tougher Keira Knightley we've seen in the previous Pirates movie. Story-wise, you've got no less than 4 teams of people (pirates, Spanish people, Barbossa...) all hunting down the Fountain of MacGuffins but of course there's plenty of double-crosses, magic and pointless rules on the way. Why one can't sim

Top 10 Biggest Black Swan Lols from TheRetroCritic on Vimeo .

How do you make a good zombie movie? For one thing, not having a circus dwarf take a shit in the woods for 10 minutes half-way through your film is a good bloody start! Also, repeating awful jokes again and again doesn't help, as does making your film for £6.95. To be fair, for such a low budget this is pretty ambitious stuff and some of it works albeit on a very (VERY) trashy level. Made in the UK, Zombie Women of Satan aspires to be a Troma-style Grindhouse gore-fest but falls way short in that it has no real style or at least some good jokes. Instead we've got a lot of terrible actors trying to be funny and 90% of the time failing to do so. Thankfully though, this is quickly followed by ridiculous gore: the film's one saving grace. The practical gore effects are actually not too bad considering the no budget nature of the film. Also, the idea of burlesque performers fighting zombies is not too bad and there are quite a few genuinely unpleasant, disturbing moments.

  One piece of advice: don't watch May during a meal if you want to keep it down. Not that it's particularly gory or gross or anything, it's just that it's disturbing enough to put you off your food. There are twisted films and then there's this type of film: films which thrive on how unpleasant they gradually become. What's May like? Lets see... Think Eagle vs Shark directed by Lars Von Trier in full Antichrist mode and you've got more or less the type of nastiness May has to offer. The character's slow but inevitable descent into complete madness is one that's both fascinating and repulsive: you can't take your eyes off her no matter how horrible things get. You've got self mutilation, blind kids cutting their hands on glass, some creepy doll, Anna Faris as some vacant and less-than-subtle crazy lesbian, bloody serial killings and a generally cruel, foul atmosphere. You care about May but at the same time, if she was YOUR friend you&

Robert Downey Jr should be in every movie. Even as an extra or something: just there. His impressive comeback is no huge surprise in that he is one of the best actors working today but it is very welcome. A film like Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, without him, would no doubt had been forgotten and left for dead...especially with THAT title! Thankfully though, there's life in this old dog yet. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang stars Downey Jr as a petty thief turned actor turned detective who gets entangled in a twisted Raymond Chandler-style story that's actually kind of hard to follow...but then again so was The Big Sleep . We're introduced to this world by a terrific self-conscious voiceover courtesy of Downey Jr himself and although the film's unique tongue-in-cheek style is a tad jarring at first you soon get into it and join the gang on their wacky adventure. The film itself is stylish, fun, clever, entertaining and very funny. Downey Jr and Val Kilmer make a good double act as they

Can The Coens do no wrong? Is that possible? It certainly appears that way. A Serious Man is indeed yet another mini-masterpiece from the men behind The Big Lebowski , Fargo and countless other triumphs. After a truly perplexing opening 5 minutes, it looked like The Coens were going to really lose us on this one. But of course they were only teasing. A Serious Man is probably their most personal film and feels closer to the likes of Barton Fink than anything else they've done in the past: small, focused, stylish, incredibly clever, truly unique and of course very funny. For anyone with Jewish heritage, the film will probably feel extra-perceptive but at its core the film's ideas and messages are universal. Larry Gopnik's struggle to make sense of the unjust treatment he suddenly receives from the world around him is one which anyone can empathise with and understand. A Serious Man, like a lot of Coen Brothers films, is a bit like watching an ant struggle under a mag

Strangely underrated adaptation of Brett Easton Ellis' grim and gory novel, American Psycho is a stylish black comedy with a welcome touch of twisted madness. Christian Bale has never been better than as Patrick Bateman: the smooth yet rotten and, ultimately, criminally demented Wall Street Genesis fan is a complex character to pull off but he does so effortlessly. The film itself looks super-slick and feels just as classy and wicked as its main protagonist. Bateman's restrained fits of jealousy and meticulous approach to serial killing, not to mention his interactions with fellow yuppies being highlights. More of a black comedy with blood than a straight-up slasher film, American Psycho is still an unpleasant enough tale to qualify as a horror. Even if the film is considerably less gruesome than the novel, the right atmosphere and overall spirit of the book is brilliantly captured here. All in all, well worth seeing if only to see Christian Bale's tour d

Frank Henenlotter, the mad genius behind the Basket Case movies, directs yet another piece of nutty horror/comedy gold. This time, instead of a killer tumour...twin we're introduced to Aylmar: a brain devouring piece of crap with a beautiful singing voice.  As evil brain leech Aylmar slowly takes over Bryan's (anagram for Brayn, geddit?) dependence with his addictive juice, Bryan's world becomes a fertile source of hallucinations and bloody, unmotivated serial killings.  The killings include lots of brain sucking, a deadly blow-job and a kiss of death to name a few. The film is way more polished than, say, the first Basket Case and in terms of randomness this is actually closer to that film's sequel so expect a healthy dose of stop-motion and almost good practical effects. The obvious drug imagery is perhaps hammered in a little to much and some of the film is quite repetitive but on the whole this is an original, very funny and hugely enjoyable  mad ride

As Jonathan Swift uncomfortably rolls around in his grave, Jack Black brings us this loose (and I mean LOOSE) adaptation of Gulliver's Travels along with one of the most unnecessary all-star cast since the original Casino Royale . Story-wise, this is all set in modern day with Black's mail room guy making his way to the Bermuda Triangle and ending up in Lilliput where Chris O'Dowd's villain captures him. But after saving the King (Billy Connolly) with his piss, he becomes a national treasure. And instead of making realizations about his own society, like the original story would have it, he uses Lilliput as his own personal toys and everyone seems Ok with that. There's a lot of things wrong with Gulliver's Travels: the story is slight, the whole thing is barely amusing, the effects work but are unimpressive, the cast is underused, Black tries too hard and, worst of all, there are so many plot holes I can't even name them all. Gulliver's phone has un

Darren Aronofsky's latest has done very well for itself. Then again, after The Wrestler , anything by the man behind Requiem For a Dream , Pi and The Fountain would have been highly anticipated. And rightly so. Marketed as a classy if dark mindf***, Black Swan promised an odd, stylish, original and potentially impressive ride. Surprisingly the result was about as classy as a Burger King karaoke party and far more twisted than expected. Unfortunately, it all feels far too derivative of many other ideas and far too forced to be a flawless treat. You've essentially got three films in one here: the modern version of Swan Lake (sophisticated, raw, powerful), The Fly (or, rather, The Swan) and The Piano Teacher (or, rather, The Dance Teacher) with bits of Lynch and Aronofsky's own Wrestler thrown in. And as much as I love all the influences involved here, Black Swan is an experiment which just didn't work for me. What killed The Fountain for me was n